my heart breaks

Time: Monday night, 7pm

Let me just say, I have some fantastic gal pals waiting on me back home. This is for you. Because all I want to do is crawl into bed. If I'm still, the room spins. If I'm walking, I walk a little crooked. John is the trooper here, make no mistake. He tells me I'm strong, that I'm the toughest woman he's ever met, that I do so much. But honestly, I think it's the man behind the woman.

Today marks 18 years ago that a girl stood next to a man, unsure if she should look at him, but ready for her future. She stood there and cried thru the entire ceremony, the emotion of the day completely taking her over.

Today a woman looks at that same man, now both have some gray hair, and she marvels at how much they've grown together. Today she looks at him with a new found respect as he takes his new little buddy out for a 2 hour walk to help with his grief. Today she falls more in love with the man that lives for his family.


You know when you're near someone and they are grieving so deeply? Maybe they just got some really bad news. Or maybe someone they love just died. You know when you just have to sit there and watch them grieve. When you just have to sit and listen to them cry and groan from way down deep. That's us watching Jace. He's not eaten much today, but he finally drank a bottle of water, or at least part of it.

Jovi seems to be doing well. He's not moved much, not said much, but then he does have a fever of almost 100* but he feels a lot hotter. He's been asleep the last 2 hours and I think he'll stay asleep for the night. He has a little bit of diarrhea but not bad.

Both boys have gone to the doctor lately for cough/congestion and Jovi's diarrhea. Jace on 5/31 and Jovi on 5/30. And we all 4 went again today. That's why the post is coming so late. After we got back from Chung Yi, we all needed to head to the Bear Clinic to see the doctor. John and I both have vertigo so both of us are a little bit off balance. Jovi has bad congestion, cough, and some inflamation in his hear and throat, but not bad to put him on antibiotic according to the doctor. Jace has had some congestion. Once again we play chemist as we mix medicines in a cup and administer them. I hate this part. Especially since I already feel like the bad guy and now we're holding kids down to give them medicine.

So let me recap our day better:

We woke up this morning about 6am and just waited and relaxed. We talked with Jani before she went to bed. Man, that girl is stinking cute! I forgot to write about Olivia yesterday. She's the little girl that I met while we were at Fangs. I smiled, she smiled, then she waved. We made eye contact a few more times. Finally I took my camera over to their table and showed them Jani's picture to help explain that I wasn't being a weirdo. That I missed my baby girl at home, that we were here adopting the boys. Turns out the lady I thought was mom was Ayi. She was the one feeding Olivia and the parents sat on the other side of the table. Olivia is 4. And beautiful. Just like Jani.

Sally got here about 9:15. It was a short 20-30min ride to CY. When we got there we were greeted by the staff and taken to a back room. We met the director Debby, the assistant director Rita, Sandy (I forgot what she does) and spent most of our time with our social worker Crystal. She was very likeable. They all were. She had a notebook about 2" thick just of our adoption. That was surprising to see. We talked about everything we could think of: their schedule, their birthmom, and tons of other things.

I'm not sure what time the boys got there, maybe about 10:30? Jace came in first riding a scooter. He has had a haircut and I honestly could not tell which one he was. But when Jovi walked in I knew for sure who he was. I got out the cars we had brought and gave 2 to each boy. But Jace wanted all 4. He kept taking them away from Jovi and would holler if he couldn't have them. Then finally he smacked Jovi's foot. He's a stinker for sure. Jani is going to have a run for her money and we're going to have a lot of training ahead of us. After about 10min Sally suggested we let the boys go play. At that point Jovi was content with me holding him so John and Sandy took Jace somewhere to play. After a long while, they came in and got Jovi and took both to a park. It was drizzling I think the whole time but it let them get some energy out.

We were able to get a picture of their birthmom and saw immediately that Jace has her lips and Jovi has her nose. So very cool.

All too soon 2.5 - 3 hours had passed and it was time to go. We took pictures in the front room in front of a board. Oh, there was also a board up in the adoption room. I recognized Jessica and Randy, Andrea in Germany, another couple that live in Dallas (can't remember their name right now), and also Nicole getting Liberti. I took a picture of the board and wondered if we too might be up there at some point. When we were leaving there was a big box that had a remote control truck in it. I think it might have been a gift for Jace, but they clearly said it was something for us. Either way, we didn't buy it, and we gave it to Sally. The box was about 3ft long by 15-18" square. I can't imagine taking that on the plane home. And he's way too young for it though Adam would have loved it.

Sally rode back to the hotel with us and we promptly made an appt to see the doctor. From there we caught a cab back to Fangs to eat, but sadly learned that they were in fact closed. We hoofed it back in the drizzle carrying the weight because we had not taken the stroller. We won't do that again, though I have to wonder how well Jace is going to sit in the stroller. Or for that fact any chair. He's one headstrong child! Oh, after we left the doctor we went to the left to the Blue Whale pharmacy to get our meds. They had this great play area but Jace insisted on taking the riding scooter up the slide to the top. I don't know how he got it up there so fast. But he sure was proud of himself. And really angry when I made him get down. That child can move fast!

That's our day, full of sadness and dizziness. And now I'm off to bed.


Jeanie said...

wow sounds like a busy first day with the boys. I am so happy you finally got to get them. Thanks for updating. i have been waiting all morning :). Jeanie

Sarah said...

Oh Jeri, my heart aches for you and your boys. We had only a taste of what Jace is going through, but I know the pain of having the little soul you love so dearly look into your face and cry and cry. It WILL get better. I promise you that (the obstinate 2 year old,though - I haven't mastered that one yet, so good luck!). Remember it means they were loved - and in the end that is a wonderful gift. Hooray for finally having them in your arms. Let the healing and bonding begin! Can't wait to see some pictures when you're ready to post them. HUGS to all!!!

David and Janalee said...

I hope that things settle down soon. I am thinking of you and keeping the four of you in my prayers. Hang in there and congratulations on getting the boys.

Sarah k said...

Oh Jeri,
Firstly, Happy Anniversary! I am sure that the day is bitter sweet in many ways, but your post about John was most welcome and very sweet. I loved it. I am praying for you guys and the boys! I am sure that Jace will get better with time. I totally understand the cry you are talking about. It is a horrible Heart shattering cry and when you are already not feeling well yourself, it makes it even harder to experience. BUT as Sarah said, this only means that A, they were loved and loved well! B, they were attached and can attach again, and finally C, When Jace does come around to understand the your love for him and the grieving is coming to an end, his love for you will be just as strong and possibly stronger! We love you and we hope that the boys will have a better day tomorrow and you too hon. And John! You the man!!!!! And Jeri, John is right! You are a very strong woman and you will do this! lol. You always do! "I can do all things through Christ Jesus whom strengthens me!"

Joyce said...

Happy Anniverary!!!!
So sad to hear about your dizziness and not feeling great still and Jace's sadness. The big heart hurts for him. Makes me sad to hear how bad he hurts but I know the next few days will be even better with the Baba he has now. Sounds like you have the perfect hubby Jeri. So happy to know you have your precious boys in your arms. Hope this morning is much better for you all.

Jennifer said...

John and Jeri,
We're praying for you and Jovi and Jace. Hang in there during this grieving time for them. Post pictures when you can...

Andrea said...

Oh Jeri! I completely understand what this day has been like. After night two at about 4 am I told my dh we had made a mistake and maybe we should just give her back because she seemed to hate us and just cried her heart out all night. It is so heartbreaking.
But here we are 9 plus months later still together :) It's hard but it gets so much better. Don't get discouraged. Because Jace can remember those he loves it is a good thing. It means once he manages to move on from his grief he will love you and treasure you - his mom.
I think it's so cool you saw a picture of us on the board. I hardly even remember anything because I had to hold Miranda till she cried herself to sleep and I just wanted to go before she woke again at that point!
It gets better everyday. Stay strong and believe.
I can't wait until you can post pictures :)