Every Day is New

So much has happened. I feel like a different person than the person that blogged previously. It's still me, it's still our family, but something has changed. John and I have a year of college under our belts now. We have a new daughter as of June 4, 2011. We have a new reassurance in Christ. And me, well, my reason for living has been renewed. I've come through a dark time and it was scary. I've lived to tell about it and hopefully I've gained compassion because before I could not relate to other people at all concerning depression.

June is a wonderful month for us. It's almost like the beginning of the year. We were married on June 2, 1990. Adam was born on June 23. Jani was adopted on June 6, Jace and Jovi were adopted June 2, and Juli was adopted on June 4. We have many other special dates in June, but for our immediate family, this is when it grows bigger. See the pattern? While I'm glad it's June, I dread it too.

We've already broken several records for heat this month. The heat makes me want to go far, far away from the Austin area. It's unbearable. Besides John's job, the only thing that keeps us here is our friends. I know we could and will make new friends, but man, we all love our friends. It's so nice to be able to just go sit in their presence and chat sometimes. For Adam, I'm sure it's a great escape from The Littles. But still, the mountain views, cooler air, trees, 4 seasons...all of that still beckons to me almost everyday. I often wonder what God's plan is for us. Why aren't we there? Has the place for us not come available yet? Is there something here we haven't done yet? Maybe we have more children on the way...I always said I wanted to adopt them while we lived here since we were both born and married here. Maybe there is another reason though?

My dear friend, Juannell, told me something this week that I had never thought of before. I shared with her my decision from Sunday 6-5-11 to not go back to school. In her email back to me she told me "Isn't it interesting that when we come to a crossroad, we only know the outcome of the path we take.  We never know what would have happened on the path we didn't take."  Those words have just stood out to me. I've never thought much about what would have happened if I had made the other choice, except for that guy I didn't marry. I've wondered about him. But that's another story that won't be told. So anyway, about this path not traveled, it made me think about how my heart is turned towards my children. The Bible says in Malachi 4:5-6 says, "Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." I've taken this a bit out of context, but how much more can I give my children, how much more can I pour into them, when my heart is turned toward them? If my heart is turned toward school, even though it's something I enjoy, how can my heart be fully turned toward my children? When I examine the reason that I am in school right now (at age 41) I realize that I am only there because of fear...right? The reason I went to school is not because I desire to work full time right now or even part time. I am there because I think 'what if something happened to John, how would I support us'. Instead, I've realized this week I need to let that thought go. Because the truth is, as the daughter of the King with an endless supply of wisdom, money, and anything else I could possibly need, I cannot say "my trust is in Jesus" if I don't trust him to take care of our future. Because really, I don't know what the future will bring. But I know what the path I've chosen to travel will bring.

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